So, this was one of the drafts that I am finally getting to complete.
So, if you have been following this blog for a while, you probably remember that we were frequenting San Angelo to spend as much time with my grandpa as we could as he was gradually going downhill in his battle with cancer. Prior to Ben's birth, our last visit was in August. I considered going over Thanksgiving so that Pawpaw could meet him, but decided to wait til my folks were in town over Christmas, so there would be extra hands to help. Well, December arrived, and the closer it got to Christmas, the worse Pawpaw kept getting. We had planned on going Dec 26th-28th since that's when my folks were going.
Well, with our crazy Christmas: late nights + lots of people and activities = utter exhaustion for mommy and boys (daddy included), and the fact that my parents didn't leave for San Angelo til late Friday afternoon, we decided not to go with them. I cried and cried as I just wanted Pawpaw to meet Ben, and vice versa, and I was afraid that I was missing my only time. Chris was going to let me and Ben go with my parents and he and John stay home, but I didn't like that idea. He finally agreed to take me and the boys for a day to visit Jan 2-3.
My parents came back from their weekend with Pawpaw and reported that he had been hallucinating most of the weekend, and was skin and bones. On their last day, Pawpaw was the most lucid he had been in a long while. Grandma & my mom looked at each other, b/c this usually happens shortly before death. The Hospice nurses gave my grandpa 2 weeks-1 month to live at that point. Pawpaw just wanted to make it to the New Year so that my grandma would get more money from his retirement check. I was just hoping he would make it to the 2nd so that he could meet Ben, and so that we could get a picture showing that Ben met Pawpaw.
Pawpaw was still doing well the 2nd, so we took off for San Angelo.
We walked in and Pawpaw was laying in his hospital bed in the middle of the "dining room." He saw us, and wanted us to come over so he could see the boys. John was a little bit nervous at first, but he warmed up, especially when Pawpaw started interacting with him. I even laid Ben on him, so he could "hold" him. Pawpaw got a little nervous that he was going to drop him, but he was perfectly fine. Pawpaw had been unable to hear or understand people for the last few weeks, but he was so excited when Chris spoke, b/c he could clearly here everything he said. He said it was so nice to actually been able to carry on a conversation.
Pawpaw let John play on his scooter. John figured out right away how the buttons worked, and was able to maneuver himself around the living room.
I stayed that afternoon while Chris took John to the Base to nap. I got to help Grandma around the house, and talk to her about how she was doing. We talked about her life/their life, if there was anything she had ever dreamed about doing, what her plans were to keep herself busy after he passed away, etc. I also kept trying to get her to call the agency about having someone come stay with her/them Sun-Thurs, but she didn't want to worry about it while I was there. It just so happened, that Pawpaw needed changing while it was just Grandma and me. Being a nurse, I felt like I should help, but being the granddaughter, I didn't want him to feel undignified. I went back and forth, and started folding the laundry, and as the minutes went by, and Grandma was struggling, I finally called out and asked if she needed help. When she said she did, I asked if Pawpaw would be ok if I helped. She said, "Well, you are a nurse, and he's had lots of people assist changing, I don't think he would mind." I still felt uncomfortable, but I knew she needed help holding him over, since he was unable to do so on his own.
Ben turned out to be a great distraction. Grandma enjoyed him thoroughly, and he would smile and coo at her everytime she smiled at him. That evening my cousin John and his wife and two youngest sons came by, as well as Uncle Phil, Aunt Helen, & Mackenzie.
Sarurday morning before we went over to Pawpaw and Grandma's all the boys "hopped in bed" with Chris
John "helping" Ben!
Ben fell asleep after the others got up.
Pawpaw was himself all day Friday, but Saturday was different. When we showed up, he was sleeping and had his XM radio full blast right by his bedside so he could hear it. He was so pale, and I wondered how Grandma handled it. I felt like I was sitting watching him pass away. I had a hard time keeping from crying. I got to sit and talk with Grandma regarding what was more helpful, having company to distract her, or being by herself. For her it was a combination of both. Too much company made her tired, and too much time by herself made her think too much. I kept prolonging the time when we had to say goodbye. I didn't want to leave, b/c I knew it would be the last time I saw my Pawpaw alive. What does one say to someone when you know it will be the last time you see them on this earth? He thanked me profusely for bringing the boys so he could meet Ben. I just kept telling him how much we loved him. It made it even more difficult as we were leaving he started to get disoriented again. My grandma had received a phone call, and he got all agitated and asked me who she was waiting on, and why? I kept trying to reassure him that it was just a phone call, but he refused to believe me. I've never seen him so frightened and scared. I tried to hold his hand and distract him, but he wouldn't be distracted. That was so hard. I held my tears til we got into the car, and then just let them flow down my face as we drove home, knowing that the next time I returned it would be for his funeral.
The sun was getting into John's eyes on the way home, so we put up this blanket, so he might sleep. He decided it was more fun to play peek a boo out of it, & look for cows. It was pretty precious, and helped lighten the mood in the car.
The funeral ended up being a week and a half later. My folks were called back and left Thursday the 8th. They made it there in time to say goodbye one last time. Pawpaw passed from this life to the next at 9:25 in the morning on Saturday the 10th. All of his children were able to say goodbye. The service was beautiful. I loved hearing all the stories of my grandpa from people who had known him for years. I think the most special ones to me were when Lakon, the pastor of their church, talked about Uncle Doug (Pawpaw's bro) talking to Lakon about sharing the gospel with Pawpaw, and "making sure he was a believer!" It was neat to hear how Lakon noticed a marked change in Pawpaw. He said as the years went by since that point, Pawpaw became a more humble man. He had always been a servant at heart, but there was something different in the way he served. Ben didn't do so well, so I stood at the back with him. There was a precious little old lady who volunteered to take him for me so I could go back and sit with the family. I didn't let her, until they did the military honors outside, and I'm thankful, b/c I got to really enjoy what the people were saying about my pawpaw, instead of worrying about if I was grieving enough or in the right way. John was in the nursery the whole time until the military honors. That was really special, thinking about how my grandpa had served his country for 20+ years of his life. It also made me think about Chris and all the soldiers we know who serve our country still.
The church provided a "lunch" for us after the service. John fell asleep on my mom's lap sucking on a chicken bone. We had a really neat time of hanging out with family after the service and into the evening over at Grandma's house. It was really special.
There was one moment I truly wished John could talk coherently. They had made 4 posterboards with pictures of my Grandpa on them. John walked over to them and found "daddy" immediately. Then he started pointing out Pawpaw, and saying "pawpaw." All of a sudden he would start "talking" and saying "pawpaw" and pointing at some of the pictures. I so wish I knew what he was saying, b/c it was definitely important, with the way he was making sure I was paying attention to him.
Pawpaw was a special man, and we will always remember him. I'm so thankful that my boys had the opportunity to meet him, and John to make some memories with him.
A slate green (really it looks blue silver) 2009 Honda Odyssey. We got an amazing deal on it since we knew the sales director and the finance director.
John: Is this really ours??
Chris checking out all the features
John: I could get used to this. Note, right before plopping down in the drivers seat, he was standing in between the two seats messing with the air/radio controls
All packed up in our dear old friend. I do have better pictures of her, but I'd have to dig them out and scan them, so this will have to do!
